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Cross My Heart and Hope to Die
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Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in The Museum of Creative Truth's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2016
2:11 am
Little known facts: hedgehogs can stop neutrinos, hit every note in "The Star Spangled Banner," and divide by zero. Hedgehogs are banned from Vegas casinos because of their eerie skill at blackjack. We nearly had a hedgehog as the Democratic candidate for this election. Hedgehogs silently judge you.
Saturday, February 22nd, 2014
11:36 pm
Five facts about Bob Dylan
1) The "Hibbing, Minnesota" backstory is an urban legend; the man who would become known as Bob Dylan was born on Mulberry Street in New York City's Little Italy, and used to be known as "Little Bobby Mulesandjewels."

2) Much like Adam Warlock, Bob Dylan periodically spins a cocoon around himself, and emerges in a more highly evolved form.

3) Bob Dylan is using his cosmic powers to watch me type this.

3a) Cut it out, Bob!

4) When the interviewer in Don't Look Back asks him, "Are you a singer, or a poet? How do you identify yourself?" I was hoping Dylan would say, "I'm a mocker, so MOCK OFF."

5) If you sing "Losing My Religion" to my apartment mate in Bob Dylan's voice, she starts laughing- all part of the Dylan magic.
Thursday, March 22nd, 2012
11:10 pm
Few people know this, but the song "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy" was actually written by none other than Stephen Sondheim.
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
7:46 pm
By Act of Congress, the phrase "The check is in the mail" will henceforth be expressed, "Your money is available for pickup at the Western Union outlet nearest you." Please adjust your vernacular accordingly.
Saturday, April 1st, 2006
1:51 pm
Although few people know this, the concept of the April Fool's Day prank was actually created by Strom Thurmond, back in the seventeenth century. Renowned for his deft placement of whoopee cushions during particularly acrimonious Senate meetings, Thurmond's pitch-perfect imitation of Yma Sumac also enlivened many a Congressional debate.
Sunday, March 13th, 2005
4:01 pm
The spot marked by this (.) is the geographical epicenter of the internet.
Thursday, March 10th, 2005
11:40 pm
Science Update:

UP - Matt Storktonson Brussells
The conformation of existence of an alternate dimension was discredited in a conference, today, of Belgium's top physicists and cosmologists. The Ass End, or its catalog number, Spacial Tear #5472-3Q5R,
discovered earlier this month in the back of an underground hash lounge by career fiend Robert Magtsen, turned out to be nothing more than the pre-existing bathroom of the establishment that had been boarded up some fifty years ago after the toilet got plugged. The chair of the conference, "String Theory" enthusiast Marc Lambeau, currently of France, hung his head and was quoted as saying, "Today is a black day for the fabric of our universe. If a stinky shitter can be mistaken for an alternate universe, then we, all of us, are a bunch of dumb assholes." Robert Magtsen could not be reached for comment.

Current Mood: awake
Friday, August 8th, 2003
2:33 pm
system announcements

This community will be down for routine maintenance for two hours this evening, after which it should no longer be possible to disturb its routine.

Thursday, August 7th, 2003
3:58 pm
Although few people know this, Anna Nicole Smith has a tested IQ of 178. In addition to her biogeneering of the revolutionary styrofoam-eating cow, her development of cold fusion using cold cream as a substiture for deuturium, and her landmark paper proving conclusively that the concept of pi was simply a convoluted practical joke on the part of the mathematics community, she is beloved by millions for her adorably zany science fiction novels published under her nom de plume, Jerry Pournelle..
9:51 am
big lies

You can't cheat an honest man.

Wednesday, August 6th, 2003
9:47 am

I am sick of the ongoing, artificial controversy that opportunists are inciting over the great Tasmanian tradition of stoat-tossing. This is such an indictment of our ridiculously oversensitive pc society. The stoats are well-compensated, and most of them enjoy being tossed. Most of them would be living lives of hopelessness and squalor if they weren't being hurled. If these do-gooders were really serious about improving the lives of stoats, they would be bringing poor stoat families hot meals in the wild. It's obvious that none of them have actually asked a stoat how it feels about being tossed, or they would have a lot more experience in being looked at warily and possibly nibbled.

Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
6:06 pm
Although rumored to rest in the waters off Newfoundland, the Titanic has actually been relocated no less than fourteen separate times, and rests at present in the main water reservoir of Toronto. Plans are afoot to take the remains of the luxury liner on a tour of the northeast United States, as soon as plans for sharing of ticket revenue can be worked out with the Canadian government.
2:00 pm
music trivia, cont.

Albert Fish Memorial, a pipe-fitter and contract bridge lawyer from Split Knuckle, Virginia, is responsible for all ska band names. He is still looking for bands willing to shoulder the names "Skatology," "Ska of the Antarctic," "Vichyska," "The Skashank Redemption," and "F. Ska Fitzgerald."

1:54 pm
statistics, cont.

Shouting "Bronco Nagurski!" while leaping from the shower to bed in a single bound is responsible for 90% of accidents in the home.

10:40 am
music trivia

David Cassidy was born David Bowie, but changed his name to avoid confusion with David Buoy, the inventor of the life raft.

10:36 am

There are more Brazilians in Brussels than there are in Sao Paulo.

10:34 am
my life and family

I don't feel sorry for Tesla, cos he stole the whole alternating current thing from my great-grandpa Flavius Josephus deSelby.

10:22 am
things i taught madonna

I taught Madonna to eat, sleep, drink, breathe, ride trains, open envelopes, file taxes late without penalty, drop heavy objects from tall buildings, execute perfect triple axels, throw darts accurately with either hand, compensate for the distorting effects of rear-view mirrors, cheat, fly (with or without wings), sprint backwards, extract revenge with no chance of prosecution but with full knowledge of the victim, open child-proof packages effortlessly, play accordion while retaining her friends, tighten belts, loosen sockets, chew gum in a beguiling working-class manner, groan convincingly, belch like a lady, construct origami pets of every genus, pop corn in her mouth, lead oppressed south americans to freedom, defend a field hockey goal mouth, swim, dropkick, shimmy in a corset, tap the zeitgeist in her dreams, and die in her sleep.

In return, she taught me to relax.

12:17 am
the astonishing world of nature

Hummingbirds shed their skin every ten seconds.

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